| tags:pondering life university categories:musings

oh god what am I doing
the eternal search for the answer I can never find

Ah, December. The time of year where there’s a surprising lack of snow on the ground, finals are over surprisingly early, and time for pondering life has become plentiful. Which brings me to pondering life and my decisions.

What on earth am I doing? Where will I be after I graduate? What do I want to do?

My initial thought was to go and try to pursue a MBA, because that’s useful and all, but somewhere along the line I saw all the applications and became less enthusiastic. Then I thought about the possibility that I wouldn’t get into graduate school because I don’t have enough work experience, and lo and behold, I’m searching for jobs again.

(To Eric, my mentor at Amazon: you’re right, you win.)

But really, what am I doing? I think the fact that I’m graduating early has me stuttering a bit, because that’s something big and not ordinary by any means. I was going to brush it off by saying I’d pad that year out with the MBA, but the fact that I’m stuttering on even that has made me realise that I really should stop and think, and not mindlessly toil through the semester.

My mum suggested that I should do a dual math major; I responded by pointing out that I’d still graduate a semester early because that only pads out how many credits by about 4-5 courses. So it doesn’t solve the lingering thoughts in my head.

I still haven’t answered the question, so I suppose I should do that first. I’m trying to complete my bachelor’s degree in Computer Science in an exemplary way. I don’t want to rush through it (though, I suppose in some aspects I already have), and I want good grades in CS, damnit!

Where will I be after I graduate? I don’t know. Amazon’s a possibility; but I never really had time to think about it this semester. (Note to self: do not take so many project courses at once.) Enrolling into graduate school is another possibility. I have to do a bunch of job applications, too.

Basically, all possibilities, but I’m not sure. And that uncertainty is killing me.

Well, there’s only one way to find out, I suppose. Time to apply.

What do I want to do? Well, I want to program, of course. Whether I want to work at a startup, at a major company, work on my own projects, etc… I’m not too sure right now. But hey, I guess it all builds up.

So the end of this blog post is still “what am I even doing”. In the end, though, I suppose that’s how it’ll always be.